Fingers and Toes

At various times in my life I've adopted a mantra to see me through. These are usually private and cheesy, but it helps to focus on a simple string of words and let that be my guiding philosophy. My current catch phrase is "No Excuses." I saw it on a personalized license plate spelled NO EXQS, and figured it was meant to be.

But when your bare feet are covered in a half dozen mosquito bites, such that the itching wakes you at 5:30am on a Sunday, and you blindly stumble to the medicine cabinet to soak your feet in Caladryl, you may find yourself wondering if "No Excuses" has a mosquito clause. And then, perhaps you might wonder, why did I have to stand so close to the bushes at that fancy party on the hill? And how did the mosquitoes know I was so tasty through my control-top pantyhose? Isn't that stuff tough to bite through? There were easier targets. And look, the Caladryl expired one-year ago, will it give me a skin disease?

Don't mind me. I'll just be sitting here, rocking back and forth, dutifully repeating "No excuses," as I most definitely do not scratch, even though it is the only thing in life worth doing, because wouldn't it be so sweet and nice if I could lightly drag my fingernails around the red bumps and thus satisfy this dark urge?

Would you please tell Jer that I can't pack any boxes or be productive all day, because I'm sure I have West Nile. Or maybe the plague. You can't expect me to be productive with that kind of dark cloud hanging over my head.

Shazam.

I live here, but...

I want to live here.

Shmooze and Booze

I neglected actual work items all week, on account of the job placement workshop, so now I need to go in and get busy. I'm being a baby though, because it's Saturday and I most fervently Don't Wanna.

Last night we went to a party at a beautiful home on a hill overlooking the city. We sipped margaritas from a Margarita Machine (like a slurpee machine but with Tequila), nibbled on fly-trodden sushi and quesadilla wedges, and watched the sun set beyond the Botanic Gardens. I hobbled along in pointy-toed high-heeled shoes, attempted small talk, and avoided sinking in the strips of grass between the flagstones.

It was our work sponsored going away/layoff party, but spirits weren't low. I'm the newest hire there; everyone has a good four years experience on me. And we chatted about our opportunities and our contacts and I listened to them reminisce about the better times, when the company was run like a start-up, and everyone was happy to work ten-hour days and it felt like home.

The first thing I noticed about this company when I started was how passionate everyone was about their jobs. I'd come from the university where people tend to get stuck in jobs they hate and initiative is not rewarded. After only one year here, I've received two small bonuses and a free iPod. I was able to have LASIK done, went on two business trips to Massachusetts, and they paid my membership to a professional society. And the best part, besides the free bottled water, soda, coffee, and sometimes beer, was that my mentor took the time to train me from scratch and was exceedingly patient about it. I'm glad I got the chance to work here, if only for one year, and I will miss it.

There's not much of a punchline, except to add, that the paycheck wasn't bad either.

I'm on day two of a two-day outplacement workshop. I've got too much work I'm supposed to get done, no time, and a million thoughts swirling in the vast emptiness of my head. As I've mentioned before, when I am truly stressed, I fall asleep. Yesterday, Jer had to stage an intervention, or the evening would have ended for me at 6pm. I could have slept standing up, in fact, my eyes closed a few times while Jer was attempting a pep talk. A can of Diet Dr. Pepper and a list of things-to-do later, and I was packing my first (and only) box of the night. And in that box? Books. Lots and lots of books. There will be many more like it, but this was the first.

In our workshop we've been writing Professional Objectives and Vision Summaries and discussing Action Statements on our resumes. Today we will cover Networking and Interviews and Negotiating... If nothing else, it gets me in the right mindset. I can't pretend the site isn't closing, that I'm not in the middle of a mass layoff, and that I need to do a lot more work before this thing is done.

It doesn't help that we're scheduling our move and job search around a two-week vacation -- although I wouldn't feel too sorry for me. It is a trip to Hawaii, after all. I've never been but I think I might need to invest in some shorts and short-sleeved shirts. And maybe a few trips to the tanning salon, because I am see-through.

I like hyphens, but not hyenas. That'd be cockamamy.

What time in the what now?

Let's see. It's early. I'm usually stepping out of the shower now, wiping down the mirrors with a hand towel, and rocking out to 92.9 KJEE News. Instead, I'm sitting at my desk, cotton ball strapped to my inner arm, drinking a Starbucks coffee. Guess why? Huh? It was blood-drawing day! Three vials and a pin prick later (band name, anyone?) I got some time to kill, so I figure, why not go to work? I mean, work is literally across the street from the blood drawing place, so while I'm at it, why not drive there? And on the way, why not buy myself a gourmet espresso drink that costs way too much money but tastes oh so good? And while I'm at it, speak entirely in question form.

I'm drinking the coffee through the tiny hole in the cup lid. Any minute I expect White Chocolate Mocha to stream down my pale pink shirt and make for an interesting Tuesday.

In half an hour (or two shakes of a lamb's tail, if you still predict your weather from an almanac), I volunteered to drive a co-worker to her knee surgery, so I'll have to leave work and brave the foggy streets of Santa Barbara. Woe for me.

Sales-to-Date: $131.02, 26% of my goal. Like hotcakes, I say. Soon I'll be posting a lovely Star Wars Monopoly game, guaranteed to make the Star Wars fan in your life cry. Because it's that pretty.

Jump

It was a big day. My Tauren warrior hit level 40, and we made our first official moving plan. With dates on a calendar, and milestones, and everything.

I made flight, car, and hotel reservations for mid-August so that we can find a place to live. If it all works out, we'll give notice at our jobs and to our landlord when we return. Our "fact finding mission" as I like to call it -- especially because it makes Jer cringe -- will set us back about $1000, so I'll be finding more items to post for sale. I think I've raised $116 so far, and my goal is $500, so it's coming along. It feels good to have a plan.

Things are about to get pretty crazy around here.

Nikon SB-28 Speedlight

I'm selling my flash on ebay. Here is the listing:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7533298473.

It worked great with my Nikon F100. I'm only selling it because it's not compatible with my Nikon D70. Someday I hope to replace it with an SB-800.

"It's the Whiskey Talkin', Not Me"

My co-worker -- the one who cracks the whip and keeps me motivated -- is on a job interview. I'm sipping coffee from a Styrofoam cup, calculating the cost of flying out to Seattle to find an apartment. I'm hoping my last day will be August 17, and I'll fly out then, but according to the calendar that doesn't give us much time.

This evening I'm off to the theatre to see a farce. But first I must fortify myself with caffeine and enthusiasm.

I think this office is sucking energy out through my nose. Maybe I should file an official complaint. Or maybe I should cut back on the Tapazole. I mean really, what do doctors (and by doctors, I mean physician assistants) know anyway? I bet thyroid is Latin for sucker.

Did you know I can juggle? Because I can. If my backup career as an egg donor falls through, I've always got street performer.

Bait and Switch

I redid my resume. The spittle flew, the fists raged at the heavens, and the tantrums were abundant, but I finished it. At least I've finished it until next week, when it gets all tored up by a two-day workshop where I get one-on-one time with my own personal resume reviewer. It's part of my severance package, so I dare not disappoint.

And then I submitted it for a job. I need to do more of that.

Everyone at work is in the throes of interviews and open houses and big life changes. I can only listen and nod and try not to be anxious. I've got nothing, no prospects. I sent out a query email to someone who works in the area where I want to move and asked if he had any leads. He forwarded my email on, so who knows. The outplacement people keep drilling into our heads: it's all about networking. Internet applications are low-yield. Don't rely on them. Bad news for me because that's all I've done so far.

I'm not taking it seriously enough yet. I tend to get depressed and stressed about this sort of thing, which begets eXtreme laziness and ennui. I need to push past that barrier and keep going. It's just that sometimes the barrier seems damned insurmountable and it's ever so much easier to fall asleep at 8pm and sleep 'til morning.

But today I can count as productive. I rewrote my resume from scratch, updated my cover letter to match the job description, and accomplished little else. In 45 minutes I get to watch an all-new episode of "Kept," and then fall asleep, fan on high and sweaty in the sheets. Probably a cat will sleep on my legs. This is my life.

Please Do the Needful

A couple of co-workers took me out to lunch for my one-year anniversary. We went to a small Japanese restuarant within walking distance of the office -- small but empty and very tasty -- and I was forced to confront one of my many hangups: eating at small places during busy times. My skin crawls just thinking about it. I've got to crave something pretty badly to put myself through the stress of sitting elbow-to-elbow and fighting for a table, waiting for refills, feeling rushed, ugh. I'll go far out of my way to avoid the crowd factor, even when the anxiety is completely irrational.

Luckily, the restaurant wasn't crowded. I ate my Bento Box in peace.

Across town a different set of co-workers found a cockroach in their curry. I won't burden you with the details; let's just say they got their meals for free. And the flavor was completely unexpected.

I went to a resume writing workshop yesterday. It was helpful, except now I've got to rip my resume apart and start again. And seeing as how my motivation is nil for resume deconstruction, I foresee an epic battle between myself and my word processing program. Or I'll just sell more of my things to finance my drug habit, err, Seattle trip (get it? like a drug trip, only it's a Seattle trip? Hahaha). Speaking of which...

Sales-to-Date=$41.19

Thanks for looking!

So Nice I Posted Twice

Buy used CDs while it's still legal. At Christy's House of CDs we aim to please.*

• The Best Of Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (CD)
• Tim McGraw, Everywhere (CD)

Sales-to-Date: $27.86

* Every dollar goes towards helping Jer and I flee Southern California. Old school.

Brought to you by the letter S

How are you? I'm fine. That's nice. The weather is good. I'm sleepy, could use more coffee but I'm afraid I'll get the jitters. Are you okay? Did the rash clear up? Do you think you'll go on vacation soon? Why couldn't I sleep last night? Why is it so exhausting to watch a big bike race? Why did those two girls at the gym have to hog all the equipment? Why couldn't I slap them? Why doesn't anyone wipe their sweat off the machines? Why is the water in the gym shower so hard? Why is my hair wet? My stomach hurts. Today I've been here one year. Here is an update on my moving sales. I plan to use the money to buy a plane ticket. Thank you for looking. I wish it was nap time.

Sales-to-Date = $21.59. Only $478.41 to go!

DVDs for Sale

• Donnie Darko
• SOLD Shrek, two-discs (extended ending)
• Super Troopers

CDs for Sale

• SOLD The Monkees, Greatest Hits
• SOLD Green Day, Nimrod
• The Doors, Greatest Hits

Act Now, Operators Standing By

To recap, in honor of my upcoming move I'm selling my worldly possessions. Today's highlighted items are:

• The First Ladies Of Song, CD - Satisfy your inner diva and buy this collection of heart-wrenching good fun for only $3.49 (plus $2.49 shipping, media mail.) Lip synching in your underwear has never been so empowering!

  1.   Everything Must Change - Carmen McRae
  2.   Love - Lena Horne
  3.   Holiday In Harlem - Ella Fitzgerald
  4.   Blues For A Day - Dinah Washington
  5.   Trust In Me - Etta James
  6.   My Man - Billie Holiday
  7.   Mean To Me - Sarah Vaughan
  8.   Goodnight My Love - Gladys Knight
  9.   Take Me - Lena Horne
  10.   Mr. Magic - Carmen McRae
  

• SOLD The Kingpin Soundtrack, CD - True, the movie sucked, but don't hold that against the soundtrack. Here we have a pretty tasty grouping of toe-tapping eclecticism, perfect for road trips or long walks on the beach. Yours for $5.90 (plus $2.49 shipping, media mail.) It's completely infectious, like a high-dollar whore.

  1.   She Came On - Super Deluxe
  2.   But Anyway - Blues Traveler
  3.   Save It For Later - English Beat
  4.   Superman - Goldfinger
  5.   Ooh La La - Red Eye
  6.   Disco Inferno - The Trammps
  7.   Surely (I Love You) - Colin James & The Little Big Band
  8.   Miss Fabulous - Jono Manson Band
  9.   Soon Enough - Josh Clayton-Felt
  10.   This Perfect World - Freedy Johnston
  11.   I Saw The Light - Todd Rundgren
  12.   We Should Always Be Together - Billy Goodrum
  

Virtual Flea Market

Dinner with the neighbors went well. I made strawberry and regular margaritas, a pineapple/mandarin orange/yellow cake, and hummus. They barbecued tri-tip, potatoes, and cooked corn. Everything was tasty and normal and the conversation didn't lull so I count it as a success.

I made the hummus according to my Uncle's instructions, so I knew it would be full of garlic. But what I didn't expect is that when you put a tiny bit on pita bread and take a bite, the garlic bites back. Yowza. I'll be leaking it from my pores for days.

Looking through the classifieds, I'm having a hard time finding full-time jobs that fit my experience level. Most of the jobs are contract, which appeals to my fear of commitment.

I've started offering my possessions for sale on the internet. I've got an imaginary goal of raising $500 through the sale of my stuff, but judging by what I've posted so far, that'll take about five hundred years. Here are a few choice items, click on the links to buy:

• Blue Guitar, CD - A girl I worked with told me this CD was stolen from her car, it was her favorite, and she couldn't find a replacement. Not anywhere. So, in a burst of short-sightedness, I found it and bought it on the condition that she pay me back. After it arrived, she quit her job and disappeared.

  1.   Jammin' In Four - Charlie Christian
  2.   Jimmy's Blues - Jimmy Shirley
  3.   Tiny's Boogie - Tiny Grimes
  4.   Strollin' With Bones - T-Bone Walker
  5.   Lover - Tal Farlow
  6.   Boo Boo Be Doop - Sal Salvador
  7.   Seven Come Eleven - Jim Hall
  8.   Cheetah - Kenny Burrell
  9.   Wes' Tune - Wes Montgomery
  10.   Night And Day - Joe Pass
  11.   Come Sunrise - Grant Green
  12.   Shadow Of Your Smile, The - Earl Klugh
  13.   Jack Rabbit - Bireli Lagrene
  14.   Coral - Al DiMeola
  15.   Flower Power - John Scofield
  16.   90 Minute Cigarette - John Hart
  17.   Jumpin' Jack - Stanley Jordan
  

• SOLD The '80s Hit(s) Back!, CD - This collection is hot, hot, hot! Or cold... Hot, hot, hot! Or cold... Is this hot tea, hot hot hot? Or cold... SNL Celebrity Jeopardy, you complete me.

  But seriously, if you won't buy it for the cheese, buy it for the hideous Star Wars ripoff, complete with themed cover art!

  1.   She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals
  2.   Walk The Dinosaur - Was (Not Was)
  3.   You Keep Me Hangin' On - Kim Wilde
  4.   Safety Dance, The - Men Without Hats
  5.   Walking On Sunshine - Katrina & The Waves
  6.   One Thing Leads To Another - The Fixx
  7.   Heaven Is A Place On Earth - Belinda Carlisle
  8.   Everybody Have Fun Tonight - Wang Chung
  9.   Cruel Summer - Bananarama
  10.   Weird Science - Oingo Boingo
  11.   Axel F - Harold Faltermeyer
  12.   Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades, The - Timbuk 3
  

• The Best Of Collin Raye: Direct Hits, CD - If you don't feel a twinge on "One Boy, One Girl," then call an ambulance because you're dead inside. This album is perfect for anyone who finds themselves sitting around thinking, "I wish I had a primer on Collin Raye." Good news, folks! The primer is here and that day is now. Click the link and make your dreams come true.

  1.   Little Rock
  2.   I Think About You
  3.   Not That Different
  4.   That's My Story
  5.   If I Were You
  6.   One Boy, One Girl
  7.   In This Life
  8.   My Kind Of Girl
  9.   That Was A River
  10.   What The Heart Wants - (previously unreleased)
  11.   Gift, The - (previously unreleased)
  12.   Open Arms - (previously unreleased)
  13.   Little Red Rodeo - (previously unreleased)
  14.   Love, Me
  

Bureaucratic Boogie

We bonded with the neighbors last night, and now I think we've agreed to hang out and barbecue on Saturday. They're a nice couple -- and we've got a few things in common: our living situation, pets, and beer -- but I can't help but feel this is bad timing for friend-making and maybe I should just shun them. Just up and shun the shit out of 'em.

Man, I crack me up.

I might make a pineapple cake or some to-be-determined side dish. I wonder if they like spinach... Most of my recipes are made with ingredients that Jer refuses to eat, so any opportunity that allows me to use spinach, or mayonnaise or pineapple -- especially together, mwahahaha -- is worth taking.

The DMV was a pleasant experience. In and out in about ten minutes, with an appointment. I handed the Information Desk woman my paperwork and my check, read an eye chart, and got my picture taken. I happily answered No, when asked if I wore contacts or glasses. I even think my photo will be all right. I didn't eat anything ahead of time, so there wasn't any chance of food in my teeth, and I brushed my hair and applied makeup.

When I hand my driver's license over for inspection, here's what I'm hoping it says about me: Hey baby, wanna party? As opposed to: Please squint at my picture then up at my face, then back at the picture and make tsk tsk noises. Yes mysterious stranger, that picture is 10 years old, forgive me for aging gracefully! (as I silently wish herpies upon them)

Here's a delicious bit of irony. Next Tuesday is my one-year anniversary with this company. It's also the day that job outplacement counselors come in to teach us proper resume writing. Happy anniversary!

The Crying of Lot Me

I am guilty of coveting apartments on craigslist. I want to do all of the fun parts of moving right now, and ignore everything icky. Boxes are icky. Cleaning is icky. Loading the moving van is the ickiest ick of all. And with that, I complete my experimental foray into the mind of a 12 year old girl. Things must cease to ick after the age of 12. It is the law.

After two long months of denial, I returned to the gym yesterday. And it hasn't changed. My body, she has changed, but nothing else. I am shamed by Celebrity Fit Club into jumping up and down for an hour, squeezing heavy things between my legs, and then lifting whatever can't be squeezed above my head and back again, wiping the sweat from my nose with a blue hand towel, and occasionally wishing for death. (and by death, I mean for those around me)

Everyday I get home from work and look around and think, damn, this is an awful lot of shit to move. Do I really need that plastic Christmas tree? Methinks ebay and goodwill are needful adversaries in this war against kibble. But don't worry, you'll be the first to know if I let my precious tree go on the auction block. Or my precious 80's audio tapes, or the Supertroopers DVD.

This morning I tipped over a boiling hot cup of coffee on my desk. Normally this would make me sad and set the tone for the rest of the day. However, my current situation allows me to simply pick up the soiled paperwork and drop it in the trashcan. No regrets. A quick wipe of the paper towel, and the world is good again. Disaster averted by apathy.

Nice and Easy

If you're shopping for a money market account, may I suggest Zions Bank. As long as you keep your balance above $1000 you get interest, and if you go below, there aren't any penalties. The APY is variable, but is currently at 3.30. And no, I don't get anything out of recommending it, except for lots and lots of kickbacks.

In the good timing department, I've got an appointment to renew my CA driver's license. I may even be honest about my height and weight this decade. (I'm a wild thing, don't try to pin me down.) Course, in the coming months, I hope to have a similar appointment in WA. And for the record, instead of calling this a "waste of time," I prefer the term "practice run."

Jer has a couple of interviews this week, which depending on their outcome could mean nothing or everything. Our hearts are thus conflicted with the probability of infinite possibility. Each time we make a plan, the universe laughs at us. Sometimes I just wish I got the joke.

In other news, the universe is a mean drunk. If you see him coming, it's best to hide the tequila. Cuz seriously, although body shots with the universe sound like wicked fun, it just sets you up for one hell of a hangover.

On Procrastinating at Work

The traditional "Returning of the cable box" has been completed. I'm $35/month richer. Let's get pissed!

I finally spoke with my boss after a month of radio silence. I forgot to thank him for the iPod, but I think it went all right. There aren't any hard feelings; I know he did what he could. Part of this has been so tough because he *is* such an awesome manager and I'll miss not working for him.

You're probably sick of all this job stuff. But on the up side, I've got loads to write about now, so the blog gets updated pretty frequently.

I ordered an iCarPlay so I can listen to mp3's on my highly anticipated (yet completely imaginary) road trip to Seattle. If you're playing the home game, I also picked up one of these: a Belkin TuneDok. It props up the iPod via the cup holder, so there's very little shifting in transit. There's nothing I hate more than a free range iPod.

Technically, with regards to the iPod, I don't know how to use it yet. I've been feeling very Luddite-esque about the whole thing. It wouldn't have even gotten charged if Jer hadn't forced the issue. So yeah. Let's hope I can banish my apathy in favor of the shiny shiny. Because the shiny shiny deserves to see the light of day.

Oh, right. A co-worker told me that if you don't have any activity in your bank account for say, 10 years, the bank can shut it down and give the money to the government, or something like that. So I said, "That's discriminatory towards time travelers!" I had to then explain that if a time traveler intends to let his hundred dollars ride for a thousand years, but then comes back and finds out the government declared eminent domain on his money market account... well, that's just not fair. I suggest you write your congressman. Time travelers deserve to use the power of compounding, just like the rest of us fat cats. Just because it's the present, doesn't mean we gotta be so tense.

Buh-dum-dum.

Burned!

My left arm is sunburned up to the sleeve. It complements my lime green shirt divinely. Except for the one-hour traffic jam to go fifteen miles, the drive was uneventful.

I had a good visit with my family. We ate and drank too much and then my mom bought me pointy shoes while my dad and sister kayaked.

I got a few cardboard boxes at Wal-Mart and some plastic bins for the important stuff. That was my contribution to Operation: Move-It-or-Lose-It this weekend. Important life changes aren't worth doing without a catchy motto.

I dedicate this entry to Solarcaine. I'm not kidding. My arm is like a baboon's ass, only ripe with the stink of aloe and a wee bit tingly. On second thought, maybe that's *exactly* what a baboon's ass is like. I certainly don't profess to be an expert on animal asses, no matter what that tabloid said.

I Am Not a Whore!

What a coincidence. Our company announces the site closure and the stock price jumps twenty percent. How charming.

Let's see. I haven't made it to the cable place to reduce our services yet. It can wait until Monday. Looks like unemployment is transferrable across state lines, so I'm free to move. My company-sponsored iPod came today. It's shiny. I'm driving south tomorrow to see my family. And huzzah, it's Friday.

I went through an old file box last night. It was full of papers from college, loads of notes written in a precise hand, front to back, littered with encouraging lines -- mostly, to self from self. Things like, "Christy, ol' gal, don't forget this formula!" Then there were bank statements and bills, letters from friends I never see, a couple of meaningless awards printed on thick paper, and old scholarship essays. Essays where I guessed someday I'd see the world and get a doctorate in psychology or such nonsense, all while working on a cruise ship and pursuing my true love: volunteering, and possibly, cross-stitch. I was just stringing words together, hoping to strike a chord with the one judge who could bankroll my entire education with a flick of the wrist. "Yes, give the million to her. Did you see? She cross-stitches!" But alas, I'm still paying off school, and will remain thus ensnared by debt until 2010-2015.

I wonder if my scholarship essay would've benefited from a little sexing up? Extracurricular activities: base jumping, wake boarding, tantric yoga...

Hmm. Perhaps it's not too late to learn from past mistakes. My resume might benefit from some sexy embellishments. Job duties: Proofreading sexy documents, publishing a sexy website, and reviewing sexy Functional Specifications. Oh baby, yeah baby. Will work for sexy paychecks and 401K matching.

The Terminator

No surprises yesterday. I was offered a 3 week severance package and a 1 month COBRA subsidy, with the option of extending coverage for 18 months out-of-pocket. September 30 is the last day our site is open, but we can leave anytime between now and then and still collect severance. So that's good. I'm glad they're not forcing us to stay.

I'll also be eligible to collect unemployment for the first time in my life, so that's nice too. The last time I was unemployed for five months in a row, I wasn't eligible and it was... difficult.

Now I've got to go through our expenses and see what we can cut back. Tomorrow I'll go down to the cable company and return the digital cable box and, rather than drop it altogether, reduce service. I am unable (or unwilling?) to give up VH1 in its entirety. Celebreality is like crack to me.

Our apartment is full of crap. There will be much selling and discarding. Not to mention, planning and worrying. It's what I do best.

This afternoon we've got outplacement job counselors coming in to console us. Too bad they weren't here yesterday when the booze was flowing freely and we watched "Office Space" on the projector.

Good times.

Today's the Day

To keep us sedated, our site leaders are providing morning Mimosas and Bailey's for the coffee. They bought 12 bottles of champagne for thirty people. At 9am we're meeting in a big group, then individual sessions, followed by a company-wide meeting. Most of us already know our fate. Hugs will probably be involved.

I started rewriting another play last night. I think I broke it in the last rewrite, but that's okay. I forgive myself.

I applied for another tech writer job and got my resume up on monster. Jer and I had a long talk about our options and we've got tentative plans that involve a major move. I'm excited and scared about it all, but it's something we've been talking about forever so it's time to act.

But then, you know, talking and doing are not the same thing. And the doing part is infinitely more complicated than the talking.

Bound for the Circular File

I honestly tried to get busy this morning and grind through my catch up work. And I have been physically present and accounted for, unlike several of my co-workers who called in sick today in silent protest. However, no sooner did I open Framemaker and start reading emails, then I found out that yeah, I'm not one of the ones who gets to stay. So, you know, I'm back to feeling out-of-sorts and apathetic.

To soften the blow, everybody on my team is getting a free 30gb iPod. Did I mention that? I can't remember. But then the real question is: would I rather eat for another two weeks or listen to mp3's until my ears bleed? Depends on the song I guess.

Home of the Free

Apparently I am not handling losing my job because I don't fucking want to be here. I don't want to do any of my fucking work. I don't even want to open up fucking Framemaker and I definitely don't want to be involved in anything that might be considered productive.

I am the only one in a row of 10 cubicles. Everyone else is either away, working from home (yeah, right), or getting a head start on their holiday weekend. I'm straddling the border of anti-productiveness, entertaining thoughts of xeroxing my resume and sticking it under the windshield wipers of every car in every parking lot of every software company in town.

Patience is not my strong suit. Please tell me, Corporate Overlords, please tell me my fate so I can pick up the pieces and have a garage sale. Please tell me so I can find a new apartment in a different city and fedex my cats and sell the television and the stereo and open a new checking account far, far away. Please tell me so I can stop feeling like I'm on the verge of tears and screaming and throwing up and having nightmares about video games and elder mist gorillas. Please just tell me why this is necessary.

I'm tired of being kept in the dark. I don't like myself, like this. I don't like resenting the people who get to stay. I don't like questioning my self-worth. I don't like hearing my co-workers cry.

Happy Independence Day, everybody.