Tripping the Light Fantastic

I have ice on my knee. Ice in a knock-off brand Ziploc bag, wrapped in a paper towel, pressed firmly to my knee. Because I'm a klutz. Because walking down the hallway -- something I do daily -- I tripped over a network cable and barely escaped serious and dire injury. But never fear. I am fine. Only slightly broken.

If enough people can be gathered, I will be joining a playwriting workshop for the month of April. It will be our goal to write a one-act play to workshop and possibly do a staged-reading. Normally I am lazy and anti-social. Someone must have slipped something into my food. Could it be steroids? Oxycontin? Some sort of laxative? How can I tell if I've been poisoned? Can I hire an official taster?

Needed: Official Taster. Detect toxins and/or hazardous substances in the designated comestibles. Requires can-do attitude! Must supply own latex gloves.

The Brand X bag has begun to leak. It must be dealt with. Will this teach me to pay the extra thirty cents per box? Stay tuned.