my personal best

What I appreciate most about working with a personal trainer are the moments when I'm struggling to lift some weight or move my body in an alien way, and he gets me to keep going. And I find that I can do these incredible things, things that if I think too much about them, I'd convince myself straight away that I'm not the sort of person who would ever do that.

Here I am, me, on the vertical chest press. Or shoulders on the ball doing 30 reps per arm with a 12 pound weight and then another 30, and another, and... Sweat everywhere. Slightly light-headed. I finish and he's telling me the next impossible move and I ignore the negative thoughts and nod, "Okay. I'll try." Because I trust him. And finally, after years of avoiding the gym and exercise, I trust myself.

My body is changing and has changed so that I hardly recognize parts of it. I catch a glimpse of my arm and there's muscle in there! You can see it defined through the skin. I press a hand into my abs, because hey, I feel muscle in there too, like tough little knots. And it's so strange. I'm a bookworm. Sometimes I take pictures. I get winded from climbing a couple flights of stairs... Or I did.

I get bogged down in labels because it's easier to live on auto-pilot and let the labels define me. What's hard is facing that trainer twice a week and fighting against inertia. To cinch my pants and hop on the treadmill. To climb stairs that lead nowhere as I watch a passerby eat ice cream and remind myself that it's not about what that person is doing, it's about what I'm doing. And what I've done.

Above all, it's about truly understanding that the words "personal best" mean everything. At the end of the day, it's just me comparing myself to me. And I hope that no matter what challenges I face in my life, I'll remember what I learned from my trainer -- no matter how impossible it seems, just nod and say, "Okay. I'll try."

Of course if Yoda were my trainer he would strongly disagree. But then if Yoda were my trainer I'd probably be doing lunges in a swamp somewhere, own a light saber, and spend most of my time trying to move objects with my mind.