yo

know how many calories are in a muthafuckin hard-boiled egg?

i do

it's how i roll

---

I slept with the heating pad gripped to my stomach. Maybe I should take it easy today. I've got the pain, but very little to show for it. Sure I could go around asking people to squeeze my arms (they are so buff, yah?), but that's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

I ordered a food processor and an apple peeler/corer from Amazon so I can make pumpkin apple bread. When I call my parents every other week and give them updates on my life, this is what I tell them. And they laugh at me because everyone else in my family is an excellent cook and I am slow. Also, they laugh at me because my news is about buying a food processor. Am I exploring my new state of residence? Am I attending arts events, museums, galleries...? No. I am reading epinions.com and selecting a 3-Cup Little Pro Plus Food Processor and Juicer, White.

And in honor of St. Patrick's Day, did you know that there are 142 calories in one 12oz bottle of Harp's? Here is a tip from me to you: the key to maintaining your diet on St. Patrick's Day is to drink until the calories become an abstract concept, something outside your influence, and then, most importantly, don't write it down. It's not real if you don't acknowledge it. Put the empty back in those empty calories! Rebel against the conditions of existence!

I think I just invented the Existential Diet.

In your face, South Beach!