Is the internet poly- or mono- theistic? Discuss.

I love the internet. Not in an obsessively jealous, sneakily stalking, Fatal Attraction, Single White Female, Catherine Zeta Jones, sort of way. No. I want my internet to be a free range internet. No strings attached. Come and go as you please, world wide baby.

However. Sometimes the internet tests the limits of my love. Sometimes it forgets to call. Sometimes it drinks too much and I have to hold its hair. Sometimes it forgets our anniversary.

So today I'm creating a laundry list of my grievances. It's nothing personal, internet. I just need a little space.

• If you post something, assume somebody will steal it. Once, an artist stole my whole website and put it in his art installation. I've had photos taken, words lifted, and reviews changed. I reviewed a web host only to have someone take the review, change the host I was endorsing and repost it.
• Don't post anything ever. You'll offend twenty-five percent of the population by just existing.
• Don't make disparaging remarks -- except about yourself. Self-deprecation is a blog prerequisite.
• Be careful what you write because it never goes away. It's all cached somewhere. A Google search on me returns a performance art piece I wrote nine years ago. Out of context.
• Take it all with a grain of salt. Or a spoonful of sugar. Or a flask of rum. Whatever.

I wonder what the internet's doing now ... who its with ... what they're doing ...