I keep my cards close to my chest so I'm sure you couldn't tell I was disappointed about losing another contest yesterday. Sarcasm is a bitch goddess. But I was, and am. I got home from work, heated up a burrito and drank a Diet Dr. Pepper. I didn't want to get back in the car and return to campus. But I did. Because I never would have forgiven myself if I missed this talk. And it was worth it. I learned that Ms. Parks takes the "lazy susan" approach to writing. She works on multiple projects at a time so each feels fresh when it swings back around. Before the lecture I started reading "Wild Mind" by Natalie Goldberg. I'm on motivational overload. Makes me want to call in sick and put my typing where my mouth is. But that would be unethical. And I'm nothing if not pure of heart and mind and spirit. Which may be why I dreamed of ghosts.
Can I admit to you a little thing? I expend too much effort on comparisons. I see where you are and a portion of my self-worth is determined by how I rate. I know it's wrong and I dismiss it consciously, but sometimes I find myself angry and ask myself why and the reason is: so and so gets to travel and I don't. So and so can afford to buy that useless thing and I can't. I'm just as good as x, blah blah blah. Totally self-defeating and small. That's my worldview in a nutshell. And then there are the sweet people, the ones who are always happy and open and I wish I could be like them. But I'm not. And there are so many larger issues in the world and here I am beating the horse with a pointy stick. Why do I have to compare? Why can't I just be? Someone should do a study. I'm a ball of contradictions. AKA, a nut ball.
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