Wednesday, March 09, 2011

The lazy fox jumped over the crazy box

I am a big fan of money management. (Okay, this isn't news for anyone who has read my blog for like two days.) I inevitably come back to the subject. I suspect my current doubts are coming from the money front.

Back in 2002, I had an extended unemployment experience that shook my confidence. The worst part was finding out my former boss was bad-mouthing me to potential employers, making it just about impossible to secure work. (This was the former boss I had to IM every time I went to the bathroom.)

But this time, I'm unemployed by choice. I have reserves. I have support. My only debt is the mortgage. This is my best opportunity to write or photograph or do whatever I want that's not in an office. And I feel guilty! I feel like I'm sacrificing earning opportunities. I feel like I'm handicapping our retirement.

How messed up is that? Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to fail. And here's a convenient one: money. Those months in 2002 made me gun-shy. Back then I had to sell my cameras and my books to pay my share of rent. But that's not at all how it is now! Why can't my brain absorb that?

My situation is completely different than it was in 2002, I just want to be clear on that. The problem is in my head. At the risk of sounding like a complete jerk, I have this voice, the same voice that's always whispered "Hold back," when the rest of the room couldn't keep up. Part of this unemployment time is to try and figure out how to get rid of that damn voice. Where's the profit in holding myself back outside of a classroom? All it does in the real world is give me permission to be lazy. At least in the classroom a voice like that prevented the outing of myself as the ideal cheating-off-of candidate.

Okay, so I've identified two problems, or rather obstacles, to my success. One, I'm lazy. Two, I'm crazy.

Glad we got that out of the way. I sure feel better now.

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