So I did what I always do when I'm too lazy to call my Mom: I turned to the Internet.
Internet wants me to be smrt.
I followed the directions at Simply Cara, and it turned out perfectly. (Simply Cara satisfies all your cantaloupe cutting needs.)
Turns out a fresh cantaloupe tastes better than whatever I've been eating. It also tastes better if you slice off the rind and cut the flesh into small pieces, thereby eliminating all need to gnaw.
I tossed the cantaloupe in a bowl with blueberries and strawberries, drizzled it all with a tablespoon of agave nectar, and now I might just be a cantaloupe convert.
Fun fact: If you stand in front of the bathroom mirror at midnight and repeat "cantaloupe" three times, then the cantaloupe fairy will grant you longer, thicker lashes.